I haven't posted in awhile because I just haven't felt up to typing lately and couldn't get my thoughts cohesive enough to post.
Some days it amazes me how much someone else's decison can impact your life in a split second. I've always been told when walking out the door to "be careful." But I have learned that it doesn't matter how careful you are, sometimes someone else NOT being careful can turn your life upside down.
I have ALWAYS been a planner, since I was just a little girl. For me, it has always worked best to have a goal to work towards and to stick to it until I have reached that goal. Bachelor's degree, Master's degree, occupation-specific certifications, marriage, child(ren), etc. I have an idea in my head of what I want to do with my life and I work until I reach my goals.
But what I have learned from this car accident is that all the planning in the world can be completely irrelevant in just an instant. I loved the Life Plan that I had made for myself but now I have to re-group. And what I am finding is that I want to enjoy each day more and plan less. But my status quo is to plan.
But I want to practice mindfulness, enjoy the moments as they happen and take life one day at a time because I know that this moment is all we really have. It's a constant internal struggle for me- wanting to plan but also wanting to go with the flow. I know that if I were to take things one day at a time that I would worry less and enjoy life more because I would be making more memories in the moment and less plans for future potential memories. I would also have less conflict over my decisions (I tend to make a Pro/Con list for everything and then second guess my decisions). It's like I am always waiting for my life to start, for it to be what I envision it to be. But this isn't a dress rehearsal. And you don't get a do-over.
My New Year's Resolution was actually to take life one day at a time,go with the flow and not be a planner anymore. But I was secretly still planning what I wanted to accomplish and do this year. And in a way, I see my accident as being a reminder of that. It may sound far-fetched to others but to me I see my accident as a wake-up call to me. It was as though my past literally gave me a slap in the face to start making changes to my life more in keeping with my New Year's Resolution. I say that because the vehicle that hit me was a make and model that I had always dreamed of having but never got. I was hit on the way to work going in a literal direction that was the opposite of where I really want to be. And the literal impact had a physical and emotional impact on my life that erased all of the plans I had scheduled for the past few months. Does it sound weird and unlikely? Yes. Was it just a random accident caused by someone else's actions? Possibly. But does it make perfect sense to me? Absolutely.
I have also learned quite a bit about who my true friends are...but that will be another post.
So now I find myself at a crossroads. And while my instinct is to make a new map for the course I want to set for myself (i.e. re-group and re-do my plans), a greater part of my wants to just throw caution to the wind and see what happens. I really hope I can do that because planning often makes me feel very overwhelmed. I'd say I could make taking one day at a time my summer goal, but that would kind of defeat the purpose. ;)
"What's meant to be will always find a way." ~T.Y.
